Well, sometimes I feel that way. I feel invincible.. and then I play one song in specific and bam, the river starts flowing. Lol
We are five months into 2014, and I feel like I've learned more in these five months than I did all 2010-2013. I used to hate being alone. I normally don't use the word hate, but I'm using it now because I mean it. I hated feeling like no one was there, I hated feeling hopeless, vulnerable, sad, and weirdly.. I hated seeing something funny and not having anyone to share the laugh with.
Now, things are different. I've learned to appreciate the time I spend by myself. It's helped me create myself, find things I love, and appreciate little things. Like the way my puppy curls up in my arms when he's in bed with me, like the sound of Bon Iver coming out of the Bose speaker I borrowed from my dad, like watching my tears land on page 82 of a Charles Bukowski book and realizing that it's okay to be vulnerable, and sensitive. Like the days when my brother gets home at around 3:52 in the afternoon and he smiles and asks, "how was your day?" so purely and innocently. I've become a loner/introvert and I actually don't mind it, because that assures me that my happiness cannot easily be taken away. Another thing I enjoy about being a loner, is that I don't have to put up with shitty people. I guess the term shitty is a little harsh.. but what I mean is that I hate forced conversations.. a.k.a small talk. I HATE small talk. Tell me about how lonely you get at night or tell me about what makes you keep waking up in the morning. Talk to me about your mom's eyes or your dad's laugh. I don't care about the weather and you don't care about how my job's going. Have a genuine heart-to-heart with me, no matter the time or day, short, or long. Another thing I dislike is when I do something that bothers someone, and they tell someone else.. but they don't tell me. Recently, I had a similar experience with a friendship I THOUGHT I had rekindled. Apparently, something I said bothered her or hurt her feelings or offended her, (I am not sure which one of those she felt because she never told me) but instead of telling me, she called one of her friends and complained to them about it instead of telling me. It's little things like that, that drive me up a wall. TALK TO ME. WE CAN TALK ABOUT IT. WE WILL FIX THINGS. IF I DIND'T MEAN IT IN A CERTAIN WAY I WILL APOLOGIZE. Don't go off telling someone else about a situation that they weren't even there for, that they will most likely mis-interpret. Telling someone else will only create drama, and tension... and we are not in high school anymore. So if you do anything like that, don't act shocked or surprised when I no longer text you, ask you how you're doing, or ask to hang out. When someone does something that hurts your feelings or upsets you, you talk to them about it-- and they are supposed to try to fix it.
Anyways, that is why I don't have many friends and why I enjoy being a loner. Because the smaller your circle, the more personable your relationship with each one of your close friends will be, the more communication there will be, less misinterpretations, and so on.
The main purpose of this post is to vent about the way I feel. I feel like my heart has shaky foundations. It just doesn't feel safe. But one day there won't be any walls, running, mixed signals or insecurities. I'm working on it.
