july update

It’s kind of sad since I’ve last been on here. So much has happened but to be completely honest- with my pregnancy and having a baby, I just didn’t have the time or energy. i’ve definitely missed it. I miss the sweet girls who would comment on my posts giving me feedback, or the late night text messages I would get from old friends or acquaintances saying how they loved a certain post. i miss the way I was able to connect with all kinds of kindred souls. For some reason, I just don’t have that kind of community on Instagram. I did at first, when Bryleigh was a newborn… then it faded. Maybe it’s because im not as open and straightforward on Instagram as I am on my blog. Or sometimes I am, and I go back and delete them because I think “nobody cares about how I feel now that im a mother.. this is just clutter” so I erase the posts where I once wrote my feelings on. A lot of it is also that I feel like people wont understand my sarcasm, or that ill unintentionally offend somebody. It’s almost like i care so much what others think, that I’ve lost my voice. And it makes me incredibly sad. Because as many of you mommies know, you lose part of yourself when you have a baby. . you lose your pre-pregnancy body, your time, some of your hobbies, most of your energy, and sometimes within all that you lose yourself too. that’s why I think it’s so important to never lose your voice. Whether it’s through a journal, social media, a blog, or whatever it is that makes YOU feel like you.. keep doing it. Always find time for it. Because when you take good care of YOU, you are able to take good care of others. That being said, I am planning on coming back. slowly but surely! I have a couple things planned, and if anyone else has any ideas, feel free to leave a comment down below. I hope everyone had a great weekend!

Emotions.

Is it pathetic to say, that I've cried so much in the past year.. that now I feel I can almost control my tears?
Well, sometimes I feel that way. I feel invincible.. and then I play one song in specific and bam, the river starts flowing. Lol
We are five months into 2014, and I feel like I've learned more in these five months than I did all 2010-2013. I used to hate being alone. I normally don't use the word hate, but I'm using it now because I mean it. I hated feeling like no one was there, I hated feeling hopeless, vulnerable, sad, and weirdly.. I hated seeing something funny and not having anyone to share the laugh with.
Now, things are different. I've learned to appreciate the time I spend by myself. It's helped me create myself, find things I love, and appreciate little things. Like the way my puppy curls up in my arms when he's in bed with me, like the sound of Bon Iver coming out of the Bose speaker I borrowed from my dad, like watching my tears land on page 82 of a Charles Bukowski book and realizing that it's okay to be vulnerable, and sensitive. Like the days when my brother gets home at around 3:52 in the afternoon and he smiles and asks, "how was your day?" so purely and innocently. I've become a loner/introvert and I actually don't mind it, because that assures me that my happiness cannot easily be taken away. Another thing I enjoy about being a loner, is that I don't have to put up with shitty people. I guess the term shitty is a little harsh.. but what I mean is that I hate forced conversations.. a.k.a small talk. I HATE small talk. Tell me about how lonely you get at night or tell me about what makes you keep waking up in the morning. Talk to me about your mom's eyes or your dad's laugh. I don't care about the weather and you don't care about how my job's going. Have a genuine heart-to-heart with me, no matter the time or day, short, or long. Another thing I dislike is when I do something that bothers someone, and they tell someone else.. but they don't tell me. Recently, I had a similar experience with a friendship I THOUGHT I had rekindled. Apparently, something I said bothered her or hurt her feelings or offended her, (I am not sure which one of those she felt because she never told me) but instead of telling me, she called one of her friends and complained to them about it instead of telling me. It's little things like that, that drive me up a wall. TALK TO ME. WE CAN TALK ABOUT IT. WE WILL FIX THINGS. IF I DIND'T MEAN IT IN A CERTAIN WAY I WILL APOLOGIZE. Don't go off telling someone else about a situation that they weren't even there for, that they will most likely mis-interpret. Telling someone else will only create drama, and tension... and we are not in high school anymore. So if you do anything like that, don't act shocked or surprised when I no longer text you, ask you how you're doing, or ask to hang out. When someone does something that hurts your feelings or upsets you, you talk to them about it-- and they are supposed to try to fix it. if they don't try to fix it than to hell with them, GOODBYE!
Anyways, that is why I don't have many friends and why I enjoy being a loner. Because the smaller your circle, the more personable your relationship with each one of your close friends will be, the more communication there will be, less misinterpretations, and so on.

The main purpose of this post is to vent about the way I feel. I feel like my heart has shaky foundations. It just doesn't feel safe. But one day there won't be any walls, running, mixed signals or insecurities. I'm working on it.

if you don't know me, get to know me :]

you're reading my blog, and if you're like me- i like to know a little about the authors of my favorite books!
im pretty transparent.
my favorite writer is charles bukowski. (if you think you and i share interests- you should definitely look in to his books and poems!)
my favorite movie is mrs.doubtfire
i could read quotes, poems, and blogs- ALL day long
my favorite fast food restaurant is chick fil a
my favorite place to eat, ever- is bread winners
if i could live the life of anyone i've ever known- it would be carrie bradshaw
books about dreams fascinate me
i am suuuuuuuuuper emotional. you know how emotional pregnant people are? well it's like i was born with pregnancy symptom(s). (i also always crave food)
when it rains outside, i enjoy staying in bed and watching war of the worlds- just to pretend what's happening in the movie is actually happening outside and i'm one of the few ones who's safe.
my closest friends are mariana espinoza and tobenna attah
i am a compulsive shopper.
i am kinda-over-the-top detail oriented
i love sleeping in, but i wish i could wake up early every morning.. because mornings are beautiful
i enjoy eating outdoors, on sunny-not-so-hot-and-not-too-cold-days.
i love food network and HGTV
i'm obsessed with holidays and home decor
i hated irving high school. (good Lord, i had to be there for 8 hours, 5 days a week for FOUR FREAKING YEARS, and 85% of the people i saw every day didn't have manners... i don't know why anyone would like that place)
i enjoy being around people who make me laugh (number 1 reason i fell in love with jacob)
i love when people open up to me. i feel like i am helping somebody and it also makes me want to open up to them.
i would love to live in destin, florida.
i LOVE going to airports, whether it's because i'm traveling, i'm picking someone up, or dropping someone off- i LOVE airports
i couldn't go a week without my agenda
i think i'm an introvert
i am very particular, very picky, very materialistic, but i have a genuine heart. i wish people who have never met me- but have "seen" me around, knew that! (another reason why i hated high school)
i love going to the zoo and the dallas arboretum
i love surprises, and i love little, random acts of kindness
when i love, i love with all my heart.
i like getting drunk off of tequila (just being brutally honest)

recollection of thoughts

this past week, and days have been a roller coaster for me. i bounced off of one job, started another the day after- then quit. now i'm at home, going to school tuesdays and thursday mornings (which is terrible because i go to sleep really late but i wanted to get school out of the way early so i'd have time to do stuff the rest of the day) anyways, i went through a very condescending person, to a very manipulative person, to now... a sweet, soft, comfortable zone.. my bed :] since i don't have a job and thankfully enough have parents who can financially support me, i've had a lot of free time in my hands. i've thought about different things, some of them being:
-what i want to do in the future
-where i want to go to school next year
-who i want to live with next year
-ways to get experience in what i want to do in the future, at home
-ways to get closer to my family and better my relationship with both my mom and my dad
-ways to help myself with this damn communication impediment i have self diagnosed myself with

it really excites me to think about what i want to do in the future and it also makes me very happy because as most of my close friends and family members know... i am not the brightest crayon in the box, but... i have the ability to shape myself into a bright crayon when i do something i really enjoy and i get to use my feelings on. there's so many things i'm passionate about, and as i've grown older i've tried to find ways to explore, discover and become more fond of these objects/people/areas i'm so passionate about. so all day today i've been online, i've been outdoors, i've gone to different places.... and i came to the conclusion that i have officially changed my mind on my major :] i found something i'm MORE passionate about than what i wanted to do in the hospitality and tourism field. don't get me wrong, it's still on my mind... but it is now number 2 on my mind. Sorry Hosp & Tourism! i talked to one of my best friends about it and i got the approval speech. made me feel even better about it! ah. i want to squeal of excitement. i love my new major idea.
okay so, next topic!
where do i want to go to school next year? that, my friends... i am still undecided about. i need to do some research and budget numbers and THEN i will have my mind made up. but for now, that topic will sit still in the waiting lane inside my brain.
who i want to live with next year. i have 3 options. still undecided.
---skips the next 2 topics and jumps to "ways to help myself with this damn communication impediment i have self diagnosed myself with" lately i have found that reading my old blog posts, reading books, magazines, and even newspapers helps me think of ways to get what i want to get out out of my brain and into words... in a way that can actually be understood. i don't know how to explain what i think is wrong with me. it's like, things make sense in my head... but when i try to talk about them or type about them, i get stuck. literally STUCK. it feels like so many thoughts are trying to exit my brain all at once that they get stuck and i can't even think straight anymore. i can't grasp each thought individually and explain it. i WILL learn how to though. i WILL.
my next blog post will be about virtual counseling -anonymous or not. stay tuned!

toodles!
xoxo, christy the queen

Excuse the inappropriate text, but uhm is this not the sweetest thing?!

Confidence.

This is one of my absolute favorite scenes. Samantha is such a character. I love her.
Now to begin what I'm blogging about today. In my opinion, one of the best things about growing older is... confidence. I can mention a handful of people who don't realize how important confidence is. Hence, everyone is different. Here's a list of things people with confidence can easily do/enjoy doing:
1.Get dressed, pick an outfit they like, leave, have a good time, and come back and continue living life.
2.Being happy.
3.Talking about ideas, places, plans, and if it has to be about people, something positive, and if it's a friend/acquaintance... constructive criticism?
4.Having a sense of humor.
5.Not hesitating to speak their mind.
6.Doing an endless amount of things without feeling embarrassed.
7.Accepting others, and coexisting.
8.Dressing in bold colors, outfits that stand out, unusual garments. (This is me saying unusual- thinking of the usual as nike shorts, t-shirts, jeans, tanks, etc.) 9.Loving themselves as well as loving others.
10.Having a life filled with laughter, love, and joy. Even after a bad day of PMSing.
11.Having morals, and boundaries.
12.Enjoying what they have and not feeling the need to point out people who have less.
13.Smiling at strangers.
14.Being open.
and last but not least.. notice the one thing all the things I just mentioned have in common?
15.Being yourself.

I myself, am guilty of not doing these things PLENTY of times, but as the years have gone by and I've gotten older... I have gotten SO much better at actually doing them and I am really thankful I realized there is a difference between being confident, and being arrogant. When I think confidence, I think sharing. When I think arrogance, I think selfish. Why? When you know who you are, and you feel no need to prove anything to anyone who has a bad opinion of you, you hear it... you giggle, and you move on. That's confidence. When you know who you are at any time of the day, you will know that you can do what you want, and the people who love you and care about you will know why you are doing... whatever it is that you're doing. When you're walking through the different stages of life and you feel the need to stop, pick up a rock and throw it at whoever is pointing their fingers at you... that's when you know you need a little confidence boost! You're never going to get far if you're constantly doing that. The first step from arrogant to confident is realizing you are wrong. Yep, you are WRONG. It's okay. I was in denial too, there was no way... *I* Christy the Queen was wrong about something that had to do with myself.... Lol I was like 13 when I thought this. I actually am wrong, a lot of times. Okay so lets say you've gotten through the first step (realizing you're wrong), now what? Figure out how to fix what's wrong. Talk to your closest friends, talk to your siblings, talk to your parents. Get their criticism and figure out ways to improve yourself. From then on... it's alllllll you.

I have all kinds of friends. Very few friends, but they're all very different. From a girl who got a full ride to A&M University for being a great student (not to mention she also had perfect attendance), to a girl who hasn't even graduated high school and has a baby. Like I mentioned, they are all very different, but I love each and every one of them. Having different types of friends has helped learn a lot about life. I've learned that not everyone is as lucky as I am when it comes to my parents. I still have both of them. Healthy and alive. (you'd be surprised as to how many people don't have both of their parents nowadays, so if you do.. take a moment to thank God for allowing you to have that privilege). I've learned that girls who are 2-6 years younger than me have had more sex partners than birthdays. I've learned that for some girls, having abortions due to their irresponsible actions is okay. I've learned that in high school, about 90% of the people who knew who I was but didn't talk to me... thought I was stuck up, and way too materialistic or... the most common opinion; "fake". Lol. Oh high school. I've learned that about 90% of the students at Irving High School don't have manners. (or at least they didn't the 4 years I was there) And you know what all these things I mentioned take part in? A lack of love, lack of confidence, lack of a sheltered home, lack of parents to take the time to raise them well, lack of home education, and a lack of a respectful growing environment.

In high school, if you know a girl isn't even an upperclassman and she has slept with more than 20 guys, you automatically think she's a slut and you don't want to associate with her. (I, myself, am guilty of thinking that about a couple of girls.)
But little do you know, she comes from a home where her mom doesn't work, her dad doesn't work... but they both drink and do cocaine every night and never want her home. They don't make an effort to teach her right from wrong (even if you're high school, a good parent will always try to teach you right from wrong), they don't give her any love, better yet ANY attention. Now think about that. Just think about it. A teenage girl, with friends who's vocabulary don't go much farther than "nigga, truuuu, turn up, fuck a bitch, etc" and go to jail as often as a girly girl goes to the mall. So there's that... friends who aren't really friends, she doesn't get any attention from the people who brought her into this world, doesn't get attention at school because people think she's a slut... so where is she getting attention from? Boys. We are humans. It's in our nature to feel good when we are taken care of/have attention. She found that if she has no self respect, no boundaries, and no limits to what can be done to her body.. she will get attention from any horny boy at school, and at this stage in her life... any attention is like the first sip of water after a hike up a big hill. I am not saying the fact that she doesn't have a sheltered life means it's okay for her to be the way she is. I am saying there is a reason for the way people are, 99.9% of time. Whether it's good, or bad. Some people go through bad things, but then they get to a certain age where they realize no one will do things for them other than themselves so they pick themselves up and get their life together. Others aren't that strong. Others are really really broken. You'd be surprised at how (excuse my language) fucked up, some people's homes are. From the day they were born, until now. Anyways, the point of this story (that I didn't make up, but I'm not going to use names because I'm sure that girl wouldn't want the world to know her personal problems) is to make you realize the different points of views people have. Someone with confidence will make an effort to get to know somebody, and to look past the outer shell in a situation where this person is brought closer to them, and try to help them. Someone who is arrogant will think they are too good to have a friend who didn't have a home as sheltered as theirs and will just judge them and maintain that judgment-- even if it hurts that persons feelings. I am not writing this to change your opinion on trashy girls you know, or to shove my opinions down your throat and make you agree with me. Nope. I do realize I have over a thousand followers on Instagram, and I'm SURE some of those followers don't like me.. but at the same time enjoy keeping up with my life/opinions. Funny how that works huh? Lol. Anyways, for all I know you could be reading this post thinking "oh God I've never heard anyone with dumber opinions" and by ALL means if that's what you think, you go sistaaa! Some people won't like me, and that's life. I can live with that. I've got a big closet and a very handsome boyfriend to revolve my attention around. (lol, I giggle as I type this while shoving my face with chocolate pudding.) But if you do happen to be one of those people that reads my blogs because you're interested in what I talk about/think about/do with my life. HELLOW THERE! :) This was just a blog post to maybe help you accept who you are, give you that extra push you need to be yourself and not hold anything back due to your worries of what other people will think. I have a close friend who always asks me "dude how do i gain confidence, teach me", and it's not really like a 30 minute lesson-take-out-your-journal-and-take-notes thing. It's a time taking learning process and the teacher is YOU. Tomorrow is a new day. Forgive yourself if you've done wrong and thank the Lord if you've improved. Geeez this was a long post, tooooodlessss! xoxo

Friendships I hope and pray, last me a lifetime.

and last but definitely not least, the friendship/relationship I hold closest to my heart, hoping it never runs out on me.

my best friend. my right hand. my soul mate.

We can’t be afraid of change. You may feel very secure in the pond that you are in, but if you never venture out of it, you will never know that there is such a thing as an ocean, a sea. Holding onto something that is good for you now, may be the very reason why you don’t have something better.

- C. Joybell C.

What is love?

There are a couple of things you should know before you continue reading the rest of this post. One of the most important things, is that love isn't the same to everyone. There are some things about love that everyone could view as the same, but there are other things that we could all view differently. You should also know that I am no expert in love, or anything like that. These are all opinions based off of my life, my experiences, and my every day activities.

Okay, anyways. There are a few things I have discovered about love, over the past year and a few months. When I hadn't met Jacob, I wanted to know what the definition of love was, so so badly. How could I ever know if I was in love if I didn't even know what love is? The problem was, that I thought I could logically figure out love. What I have realized from these past 16 months with Jacob, is that love isn't always logical. Matter fact love is almost never logical. It isn't black and white. That is why I had such a hard time. I wanted a "Yes, Christy, THIS is love. that's it", but I should have been more willing to stop thinking so hard and actually enjoy the journey of falling in love.

I've officially been with Jacob for a year and 4 months. While it isn't nearly as long as couples I know and admire, I still have learned a few things about what love --without a definition-- is.

1.It's when neither he or she will eat the last chocolate chip pancake because they both want the other person to have it- even though they both love chocolate chip pancakes.

2.It's when he wants to go out and do stuff, but she is too tired and just wants to lay down and sleep… so he lays down and tries to fall asleep with her.

3.It's when self-sacrifice is worth it if it can make the other person happy.

4.It's sitting down after a long day and having desire to tell him or her about every detail as well as wanting to hear every detail-- because you care about their day. Even if it was just another normal day.

5.It's when he wakes up in the middle of their nap to write something sweet on her iPhone notes, just to remind her how much he loves her.

6.It's when he and she can be completely themselves in front of each other and still be accepted.

7.It's when he keeps saying ridiculously funny stuff in the middle of a emotional breakdown she is having because of something very little but at the time feels big because of PMS.

8.It's when he knows he has an overly emotional girlfriend, but is not embarrassed of her or her actions anywhere he goes.

9.It's when she falls asleep on the couch and he gets up to find a blanket to put over her so she won't be cold.

10.It's when he maker her feel great about herself, even if she's 5'1, weighs 113 pounds, and rarely ever works out.

11.It's when he sleeps uncomfortably and with a numb arm just so she can feel safe and loved while taking a nap.

12.It's when he offers to untangle her hair in the shower so she doesn't have to do it.

13.It's when you can just stare at one another, and know that in a few seconds you will both smile with joy because you're in love with each other.

14.It's when he will watch something he doesn't want to watch, just so he is laying in the same couch, and in the same room with her.

15.It's when she stares blankly at a TV with ESPN on it, as long as she gets to hold his hand.

16.It's when she runs up to him full of excitement after not seeing him for a couple of weeks.

17.It's when just being together leaves her happy and with a feeling of contentment.

These are just a few things that I have discovered about love over the past months, and year.

Although I still am not an expert on the subject of love. I know that love is very very powerful…. and I love it so much.